Published: Good Men Project (February 14, 2015)
Matthew Rozsa discusses three ways in which being mature can be reduced to a single lesson: It isn’t about you.
Everything you need to know about maturity can be boiled down to one lesson:
It’s not about you.
I’d like to claim credit for this realization, but the accolades belong to my close friend Rosalia. A valuable sounding board if there ever was one, I was sharing the story of a recent argument I had with several friends when she shared this insight. The incident in question involved two of my old high school buddies telling me that it was “insensitive” for me to discuss my career with them because they felt insecure about their own professional stagnation. As I opened up about my confusion regarding all of this – on the one hand I didn’t want to make people who are close to me feel badly about themselves, but at the same time I felt I had the right to share positive developments in my life with others – she offered her observation:
“They’re making it about them when it isn’t. You’re discussing your experiences and they’re bringing it back to themselves. That’s immature.”
She was right, of course, but in the process of contemplating her advice, I realized that she had only touched the tip of the proverbial iceberg. That’s why I’ve created a list of the three major applications of her lesson to the adult world.
They’re making it about them when it isn’t. You’re discussing your experiences and they’re bringing it back to themselves. That’s immature.
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1. When other people talk about their lives with you, it is rarely intended as a commentary on yourself.
Obviously this is the example that most directly pertains to the aforementioned anecdote, but its relevance spans beyond that. In general I’ve noticed that people will frequently interpret the lives and experiences of those around them as a running commentary about themselves. Sometimes this takes the form of jealousy, which usually arises due to an inferiority complex. Conversely, it often manifests itself as condescension, specifically the notion that when someone discusses his or her own struggles, it validates yourself because you aren’t suffering in the same way. There are plenty of emotional responses between these two extremes, but all of them are based on the same immature fallacy – i.e., they reduce the input you receive from others into reflections on your own ego.
There are plenty of emotional responses between these two extremes, but all of them are based on the same immature fallacy – i.e., they reduce the input you receive from others into reflections on your own ego.
2. Unless someone’s actions are harmful to either yourself or other people, it is a waste of time to judge them.
Perhaps the best illustration of this point can be ripped from recent headlines. When you hear about the Arkansas legislature passing a bill to allow state businesses to discriminate against LGBT citizens, or the general opposition to gay marriage by social conservatives, it is important to realize that what they’re expressing isn’t a carefully formulated position – it is, ultimately, a form of politicized immaturity. After all, aside from disreputable academics and those on the ideological fringes, few Americans would sincerely argue that homosexuals are harming other people when they seek legal equality or engage in private intercourse. When objections are raised to their attempts at full civil rights, they are based on the erroneous belief that it is acceptable to impose one’s personal moral convictions on those who don’t share them.
While the most prominent front for this human frailty is the issue of gay rights, it has appeared constantly throughout history. It was seen in the Inquisition, when religious states and the Catholic Church itself persecuted Jews and other non-believers; it was seen during the McCarthy era, when men and women of leftist philosophies were hounded as Communists; it is rampant throughout the Middle East today, as militant Muslims insists they are somehow being wronged by living in a world that isn’t universally Islamic. In the end, anyone who believes they have the right to pass judgment on those who aren’t harming themselves or others is immature, regardless of the rhetorical and/or philosophical trappings that they use to lend credibility to their cause.
Unless someone’s actions are harmful to either yourself or other people, it is a waste of time to judge them.
3. If you’re angry at someone, try to look at the situation from their perspective.
A couple years ago, I had a nasty habit of telling off girls who rejected me after I had taken them out on a date. At the time, I justified this to myself by feeling that they had insulted me by turning me down and I was only returning the favor; in retrospect, of course, I realize that I was making their personal relationship preferences about me, even though I had no idea what was going on in their minds when they made their decisions.
Again, this is just one example, but I use it to illustrate a universal point. Anytime one of us feels angry, our natural instinct is to disregard the other person’s perspective, assume the worst of them, and use that to rationalize whatever course of action would have the most cathartic effect on us. I saw this when a relative of mine threw a fit at my mother’s birthday party because she wanted it held at a restaurant (my mom wanted a quiet night at home); I witnessed it at a fast food restaurant when one of the customers began yelling at the employees for being “shitty people” after they didn’t get his order correct; I have seen it repeatedly as a writer, as rarely a week passes in which I don’t receive some angry comment or email from an individual who read an article I wrote and immediately took it as some personal slight (even though, save for the people I openly mention in these pieces, I’m never actually talking about them – indeed, it’s absurd to think otherwise).
The great thing about trying to understand a difficult situation from the other party’s perspective is that, more often than not, it soothes your hurt feelings or bruised ego even as it allows you to empathize more with the other person(s).
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It’s important to note that I’m not saying these are the only ways the “It’s not about you” lesson applies to everyday life. If the past serves as a reliable precedent, the odds are better than not that I will quickly think of other applications within a few days of this piece being published. Nevertheless, for a website dedicated to teaching its readers how to be good men, I can’t think of any better lesson than this one. If you want to be an adult, you need to learn that the rest of the world doesn’t revolve around you. Sometimes the old platitudes became cliches for a good reason.